All I Dont Want for Christmas...

The busiest week of the year for me is finally drawing to a close. Well…traditionally the busiest week…second only to the 7 days in May I spent trying to Google a naked Christina Hendricks after accidentally catching an episode of Mad Men.

We’ve all done this. So avert your fake judgmental glances.

Avert them now. Didn't think so.

It’s the time of year this annual festivity that has been immovably the main part of our winter holidays for over 2000 years at the exact same time every year sneaks up on us with NO warning of any kind whatsoever, discounting calendars, radio, TV, and endless, insufferable commercials.

This year I undertook the mad rush a week early, so that when the time came to realize I had bought my friends and loved ones absolutely nothing for Christmas once again, I would have an entire week to think of an appropriate set of excuses, with time to do the necessary research to back them up. (“As we all know, the bank closes at 3:30 on a Sunday, which inhibited my ability to buy you that Mercedes. Also there was an accident on the freeway leading to Spencers, caused by sleet. Which freezes at -4 to 14 degrees Fahrenheit.”)

Once reliving myself of this burden, I try to wrap up anything else I can think of…metaphorically and literally, before locating an agreeable crowd of people to spend Christmas with. This is the make or break part of the holidays. They must be chilled people, perhaps trusted relatives, who have already seen you naked. People who can handle vomit on the carpet with the sense of humor it requires. Individuals who adore rubbish presents are an integral part of my requirements this year, as I have discovered the amount of people who detest being presented with sports socks to be as numerous as the quantity of which I have them.
I was recently asked if this blog would contain another wish list this year, as I am wont to do every Christmas and Birthday, due to bouts of drinking and too much free time. To those of you who asked, you clearly have no sympathy for the abysmal heart-rending rejection and sadness I experience each holiday…when EVERY simple statement of desire (complete with price tag and internet link) is IGNORED. I will not torture myself thus, anymore this year, foolishly thinking, like “Awake!” magazine, that I can turn “readers”, into “givers”.

It is clear the fickle few who follow this blog have no interest in supplying a simple luxury car or endowed supermodel to a starving artist…only a demand to be further entertained.
Well I shan’t. Instead, I’ve decided to list the things that I would rather NOT have this year, in the hopes that they may speak to those of you who might actually oblige me this time…as they are all effortless things that don’t cost money.

I hope you’re all happy.

From here on, Some of you may think I am a complete Scrooge. I assure you I am not. I enjoy terrifying unsuspecting neighbors with abrupt and hostile caroling at 3 in the morning as much as any festive human being. Devouring food until your ears bleed, decorating houses and trees, until the occupants ask me who I am and threaten to call the Police, the giving of gifts I claim to have bought, struggling to remember relatives’ names and genders, are all highly enjoyable Christmas activities I enjoy with a spiritual and scotch-fueled passion.

But there are those that muddle the good-natured waters of this festive season with their annoying contributions to social networks, for instance. You know who you are….and this list will further clarify your identity…to the point of total shame and repentance, I am hoping.
It is important to understand that there is nothing more annoying, to those of us with busy lives that occasionally have nothing better to do than waste time on Facebook, to sign on, and find hundreds of losers we may or may not know, utterly and irresponsibly having nothing better to do than waste time on Facebook. This abhorrent behavior has got to stop, as do the following habits quite frankly making some of us wish it were January already.

1.    POSTING ENDLESS “CHRISTMAS PICS” OF YOUR CHILDREN

You think your child is cute. We get it. (We also know if your child was a toilet seat strapped to Jabba the Hut, you would think they were adorable, but hey…) It’s also Christmas. Yes, we get that too. We’ll even put up with one or two happy family shots of you all under the Christmas tree cuz hey let’s face it, we’ve all gotten drunk and had sperm-related accidents that after a stretch of time, also look cute under trees. But beyond that, you are only plaguing our news feed, which should be featuring other essential updates, like which song Phil Randomite is listening to, and news from the Kardashians.  Chances are, you have likely been posting hundreds and hundreds of shots of your kids all year already. The last thing the people currently debating whether or not to delete you need to see is more of the exact same utterly adorable face they’ve grown quietly used to despising but THIS time, with a red hat. (“RED HATS, STEVE!!! We MUST post these….”)
It is estimated 45% of current child-nappers were perfectly respectable members of society who just got too damn sick of seeing your kid photos, and decided to do something horribly effective about it. 

This could have been avoided.

Nobody, except you, possibly your spouse, a distant grandparent, and hundreds of online perverts really enjoy them, and they will be treated with the same irritated indifference and eye-rolling we bestowed on the mobile phone photo of your cup of coffee you posted just that morning. 

2.    POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR “CHRISTMAS FOOD”

Because nothing says “I’m the world’s most repressed and bored loner” like a good iPhone shot of your potatoes. As much as it makes the rest of us immediately be thankful we are not there (or you, for that matter) it’s still depressing us into another drink, and the hopes some jerk doesn’t post a damn picture of a glass of eggnog. Oh wait…half of you just did. Argghhh….
Oh, and if you thought we were going to be festively sympathetic enough to enthusiastically and without a HINT of sarcasm ask you for the recipe, you’re dead wrong.

Open fridge.
Withdraw eggnog.
Pour eggnog.
Weep silently into the night.

We all know it.

This is the only photographically acceptable way to indulge in eggnog.

 
3.    POST SNIPPETS FROM CHRISTMAS SONGS AS YOUR STATUS

You know who you are. This is more pointless and depressing than Vegetarians, and makes us want to bomb your ass with Slipknot songs. Those of you guilty of using phrases like “is in the air” are especially going to hell, and need to shut up and drink the eggnog you’ve just been relentlessly photographing.

In general I would say here for those not fabulously rich, gorgeous, or naked, the goal would be to advertise your Christmas in a way that respectfully reflects the quiet, homey, and moderately pleasant insignificance of your holiday to the outside world. This will of course, build up the necessary repression and boredom to having an wildly news-worthy New Years celebration, for which you are fully allowed…nay, obligated, to post the pictures of your topless selves, lying handcuffed in the cocaine-smeared arms of another man’s wife, on the marmite-clotted steps of the old folks home you just tried to rob.

And for THAT….you will be asked the recipe.  

Happy Christmas Everyone.